


This You Can Keep

by SoulNarrative



Category: AFI
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 21:08:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3089783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoulNarrative/pseuds/SoulNarrative
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once antagonists, Jade and Nils eventually discover they have no choice but to make peace - and perhaps, love. <br/>SEQUEL TO "THE DESPAIR FACTOR."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS THE SEQUEL TO "THE DESPAIR FACTOR."
> 
> Word count: 15992 
> 
> Published: 12/25/2006 Updated: 03/29/2007

  _This is what I brought you,_

_This you can keep._

_This is what I brought,_   
_You may forget me._   
_I promise to depart, just promise one thing._   
_Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep._

_Prelude 12/21 - AFI_

 

They didn’t want to do this. If Davey hadn’t casually mentioned what he wanted at his funeral, they wouldn’t have tried. His family had their own, more traditional, memorial service in Ukiah. This gathering at Adams’ San Francisco home was for his closest Bay area and Socal friends.

Since that dreadful dawn when he’d been found shattered on the ground below the hotel's tenth floor balcony, they’d all stumbled through endless days and nights, dazed by the suddenness of the loss. They doubted the need for this gathering. Surely he’d come back. He had to.

That night each mourner grieved alone. Shared tragedy often brings a desire to comfort one another, but that was nearly impossible there. Davey’s death had crushed everyone he left behind in very personal ways. Each of his loved ones was trapped in a private hell, searching for the answers to “Why?,” “What if?,” “What could I have done?”

The evening hit a new low when Smith, gazing out the front window, saw Jeffree Star, accompanied by two of his minions, walking up the drive. His neon-pink hair and ghost-white face glowed in the gloomy dusk. ‘Jade will kill him,’ Smith panicked, rising quickly to find Adam and intervene before Jeffree got to the door.

Unfortunately, it just so happened that Jade was outside, seeking solitude, and saw Jeffree at the same moment Smith glimpsed him from inside.

Jade stood in shocked silence for a moment, taking in the spectacle that was Jeffree Star dressed for a wake. Then a rush of adrenaline propelled him into action and he strode towards the drag queen, fists clenched.

He shouted at him,“Come for a photo op with his ashes, prick?!” Jade reached him, planted one hand in the center of his chest and shoved him hard. Jeffree tottered backwards on his high heels and gasped at the murderous rage in Jade’s eyes. He knew he'd be angry but Jeffree wasn’t prepared for this level of animosity. Nearly spitting in his face, Jade hissed, “You’re done using him.”

Jade wasn’t intimidated by Jeffree’s height as he looked up to lock eyes with him. “There’s nothing to stop me from killing you right now. You took away everything that made me want to live. More than anything, I’d like to beat you to a pulp with my bare hands, motherfucker!”

Jade felt his shoulders being gripped firmly as he was gently pulled back from the object of his hatred. Adam’s tone was openly threatening as his blue eyes burned into Jeffree. “Don’t ever come near any of us again. I know people who’d make sure you’d need lots more plastic surgery for twenty bucks. Don’t give me a reason to call ‘em.”

Sure that Adam had Jade under control, Jeffree‘s demeanor became nonchalant. “Well! I was just going to pay my respects but if prissy princess here is going to have a cow, I’ll go.” He stuck his nose up in the air, spun on his heel and click-clacked back the way he’d come, minions in tow.

Adam guided Jade, shaking and sobbing, back into the house. Smith met them at the door. “Adam, Penny’s on the phone, checkin’ in. Could you talk to her?”

“Yeah, sure,” Adam released Jade’s shoulders and took the phone to speak with Davey's mother. Smith replaced Adam's arm with his own. He settled Jade on the stairs and sat with him in silence as Jade struggled to regain his self-control. Smith hadn’t begun his own grieving, as concerned as he’d been about his older brother. There were times, like now, when the pain rose into awareness and it was almost unbearable.

Like Jade, he’d grown up with Davey and his entire adult life had revolved around their band. Now it was all gone. More than all that was the unique presence Davey had been in his life. Simply put, he’d never known a sweeter, kinder man. Davey was always so generous with his affection, never holding back. He had to admit he never felt so loved as when Davey would grab him from behind and wrap him in a bear hug with those muscled arms, his breath hot on his neck as he laughed heartily at having captured Smith unawares. He missed his warmth so much. He could only imagine what hell Jade was going through.

Jade, of course, blamed himself since he’d broken off their intimate relationship just months before Davey’s suicide. Only Smith understood why Davey’s growing obsession with extreme sexual practices - an obsession begun and nurtured by Jeffree Star - had triggered Jade’s childhood memories of molestation. Jade had cut and run and Davey really never knew why. All he knew for certain was he’d done something unforgiveable that had driven Jade away.

Another guest of unsure welcome was Nils. Trevor had forced him to come that night, knowing he’d regret it someday if he didn’t. He’d waited while Nils downed two more glasses of wine before being escorted with faltering steps to Trevor’s car.

It wasn’t that the band and Davey’s circle of friends didn’t like him. What was not to like, after all? He was quiet, pretty and obviously worshipped Davey. However, he held the unenviable position of being the last person to see Davey alive. Given the mysterious circumstances of Davey’s death and the last night of his life, Nils was the object of intense curiosity. He didn’t know whether Davey had left him eternally blessed or cursed.

He sat silently, away from everyone except Trevor, who never let go of his hand. Adam had quietly greeted him and seeing that he was nearly too drunk to stand, had gotten him comfortably seated right away. Shortly thereafter, Hunter came over and squeezed his thin shoulder, making an effort to comfort him. Trevor was reminded of what good people they all were, and it made him even sadder. He fingered the rabbit pendant he wore at his neck, remembering when Davey had given it to him. Of course, Nils wore one, too.

Only Jade and Smith avoided Nils. Everyone understood why.

Occasionally someone would approach the mantle, covered end to end with everyone’s favorite photos of Davey. He, or she, would lift the white candle that burned there and speak a few words from the heart. At one point, Trevor left Nils to do so. Nils would retreat behind closed lids during those moments; otherwise, he stared into space with bloodshot eyes.

One by one, those gathered took their leave. Adam was alone in his house, hearing the last bars of _Hollow Hills_ fade. He placed his folded arms on the mantle, lowered his chin to rest on them and let out a long, deep sigh as he gazed at the candle, now nearly burned away. His eyes traveled over the photos of Davey that surrounded him. He dropped his forehead onto his arms and finally wept.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4690>


	2. Chapter 2

 Nils was roused from his stupor by an insistent knock at the door. A few hours of alcohol-induced sleep had done nothing for his headache or the stiffness in his back, having passed out on the couch again. He couldn’t bear to lay down in his bed - he wasn’t sure why. Anyway, it was for the best since he hadn’t changed the sheets since before Davey died. He wanted to keep everything the same, as if that would negate what had happened.  
  
He didn’t know why he bothered to struggle to get up and get to the door. Maybe because he thought he’d heard whoever it was call his name. Suddenly he was leaning heavily on the open door, blinded by the afternoon sun and fighting a dizzying nausea.  
  
Whoever it was, grabbed him by his arms before he toppled over and walked him backwards into the darkened apartment. He collapsed on the couch again. The visitor left him but soon returned. Nils felt an ice-cold cloth being applied to his forehead. The visitor said, “Don‘t move. I‘m making coffee - if you have any.” He sounded doubtful. He was gone again.  
  
Nils smelled strong coffee brewing. To his surprise, it was appealing. In fact, he felt like drinking an entire carafe of the stuff. He thought of how his stomach would react to that. Not good.  
  
As if reading his mind, the visitor brought saltines with the black coffee in a large mug. “Sorry. I know this is a weird combination but I think your stomach and head will appreciate it.”  
  
Nils knew that voice and he focused to see the face in the dimness. He couldn’t believe it. Jade Puget.  
  
Jade was holding the hot coffee up to his lips. “Drink some. Be careful.” Nils was able to swallow two gulps of the stimulating drink. He felt the sharp corner of a cracker poking at his lips. He touched it with the tip of his tongue. The saltiness was good and he took in the whole thing, sucking it, dissolving it between his tongue and palate. He was told to drink more coffee.  
  
“Three crackers and this cup of coffee and I’ll leave you alone.” Nils didn’t know what to say but he was beginning to wonder why Jade was there.  
  
As if reading his mind, Jade said, “You’re in no condition to talk now. I’d come back later but I’m afraid you’ll just be drunker.” ‘Straightedge smartass,’ Nils thought bitterly.  
  
With that statement, Jade got up and collected all the wine (that appeared to be Nils' preferred poison)in the apartment. He emptied all the overflowing trash baskets into a big plastic bag, added the wine bottles and made for the door. “I’m taking this to the dumpster. Stay here and finish your coffee.” Nils ate another cracker and washed it down with the rest of the coffee.  
  
"Where the fuck does he think I'm going?," he wondered. Nils hadn't been out of his apartment since the memorial at Adam's and was embarrassed that anyone had seen him this way. He went into the bathroom, relieved his bladder and filled the sink with hot, soapy water. He soaked his face and hands with it, then let it out and refilled it with cold water. He splashed it on his face, then dared to look in the mirror. “Oh, fuuuck.”  
  
He locked the door and proceeded to shave with shaking hands. He gave his teeth and tongue a thorough cleansing, then wet and combed back his dirty hair.  
  
There was a knock on the door. “Nils? You okay?” He jumped, having forgotten Jade was there. “Uh…yeah, yeah.” He slowly opened the door and met Jade’s concerned, soft brown eyes. He seemed relieved. “You look 100% better.” He gave the young man a weak smile of encouragement.  
  
Jade noticed the contrast between Nils freshened face and his soiled clothes. He went into the bedroom and searched for something clean for him to wear. Nils heard him sigh and mumble, “When was the last time you did laundry, man?”  
  
Nils recovered some self-awareness and realized Jade shouldn’t have to dress him. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll change. Wait out there.” Nils looked at the floor as Jade passed him on his way out to the living room.   
  
Jade opened the blinds in the living room and shook his head at what the light revealed. ‘This is worse than I thought.’ The apartment needed a thorough cleaning and airing-out. He was picking up the mess when Nils’ voice startled him.  
  
“So what is this? Why are you here? I know you didn’t come to play nurse and housekeeper.”  
Nils voice was tight with suspicion.  
  
Jade walked up to where he leaned against the doorframe and pressed an unopened bottle of water he’d been carrying for himself into Nils’ hand. He got a good look at him up close and in the light. ‘Looks like he’s aged about five years.’   
  
Always model-slender, Jade could see Nils had lost at least ten pounds since Davey’s death. His cheeks were hollow, making his lips look fuller and his sapphire eyes look larger than ever. His skin had become so pale it was nearly translucent, the blue of his veins showing at his temples. The black arched eyebrows and long lashes were a startling contrast to his pallid complexion. His shoulder and collarbones jutted up against the thin material of the threadbare tshirt and his hip bones were visible in the too-tight track pants that could've been left there by a younger sibling.  
  
Jade watched the pulse beating hard below his jaw. Without thinking, he stretched out a finger to touch the crescent-shaped scars forming along the ropey sinews of Nils’ long, thin neck. Sharp, perfect teeth had bitten there, hard and repeatedly. He knew those teeth. Nils jerked away before Jade’s finger contacted his skin.   
  
He saw the shock and pity in Jade’s eyes and it angered him. He closed his hand against the proffered water bottle. “Cut it out, Jade.” He made no attempt to mask his building annoyance.“ _Why_  are you here?”   
  
Jade’s nerves were frayed, too and he spoke without censoring his answer. “Why are you so pissed?! You’re the one he chose to... spend his last night with.” Bitter envy was evident in his voice.   
  
Nils stiffened and stared at Jade in disbelief. He spat out, “I was second choice.  _And you know it_.”  
  
Jade was silent. Nils continued, his voice quiet and cold. “If you’d been there...if it had been you...” He began to shake.  
  
Jade did not want to hear this. Angrily, he demanded, “Then what?!…He’d still be alive?! How can you say that? You couldn’t stop him, how could I?!”  
  
Nils whispered, “ _If you’d been there, he wouldn’t have wanted to die.”_  
  
Jade staggered backward a step, as if he’d actually been struck. He hadn’t thought Nils capable of such cruelty.  
  
Nils couldn’t stop now. “But  _you_  weren’t there! I was! It was me he tucked in and kissed good night, knowing full well what he was going to do as soon as I fell asleep. Yeah, I was the lucky one.” Nils voice dripped sarcasm and a tear slid down his cheek.  
  
He advanced on Jade, remembering and saying things he hadn’t allowed before. “Yeah, I was there, Jade. It was me that had to identify his body. It was me that watched four of them try to hold him together so they’d get him on the stretcher in one piece.”   
  
Suppressed memories threatened to surface. Nils stomach lurched and he turned and ran into the bathroom. He would never be free of the ghoulish sight of Davey lying on his back, strangely flattened on the sidewalk, like some cartoon character crushed by gravity, limbs at impossible angles, like a ragdoll.  
  
His face had been beautifully peaceful despite the burgundy rivulets congealed at the corners of his mouth, his nose, his ears.  
  
There wasn't enough alcohol in the world to erase that image and he longed to follow Davey into oblivion. It was only the guilty knowledge of the devastation he would leave behind that stopped him.  
  
He thought if anyone was lucky, it was Jade - lucky that he didn't go out there and unleash the murderous rage that was rapidly replacing his grief.  
  
Jade listened to Nils retching, his mind paralyzed with horror. He heard him wailing and pounding his fists on the floor, cursing Davey between heart-rending sobs.  
  
It was all too familiar to Jade. He had walked out and left Davey in a similar state only months ago. So, as badly as he wanted to walk out of that apartment and never face Nils again, Jade settled himself in a dusty chair and waited patiently.

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Nils crouched in a corner of the bathroom with his arms wrapped around his legs, forehead on knees. He was completely exhausted and his body ached. His head was throbbing and his eyes, nose and throat burned from the weeping, wailing and retching. Bruises were already forming on the sides of his hands where he’d beat them against the ceramic tile floor. He’d lost all track of time.

He pulled himself up weakly and rinsed his mouth at the sink, avoiding the mirror. He headed for his bedroom, glancing towards the living room. The apartment was nearly dark, night was beginning. ‘Jade must’ve left. Good,’ was his last thought before collapsing on his bed.

************************************************************************************

Jade kept his vigil in the darkening living room as the sun set. Davey had always loved this time of day - or was it night? Dusk and dawn, these points of transition, where everything was neither and both, held magic for him. He insisted that they deserved their own recognition and those themes occurred frequently in his writing.

Just before sunrise, they said that’s when he probably jumped. At the time, Jade had been dreaming about Davey, a heart-pounding nightmare in which he’d lost him forever. He’d awoke and immediately called Nils. Everyone said they were always together and Jade assumed they were lovers, although no one could confirm it. Of course, Nils never replied. Within an hour, Adam called and told him the unbelievable news.

Jade’s painful memories were mercifully interrupted by Nils emergence from the bathroom. He heard him shuffle into the bedroom and the springs squeak as he fell heavily on the bed. He continued to sit quietly as twilight came on, listening to the silence in the bedroom. Convinced that Nils was asleep, he went in to be sure he was safe and comfortable.

Jade gingerly sat down on the edge of the bed. Nils was sleeping curled up on his side, breathing deeply through slightly parted lips, snoring lightly.‘Fuck, he’s cute,’ Jade thought, surprising himself. He remembered what Nils had said. Is that what Davey thought when he tucked him in and kissed him goodnight, knowing it was really goodbye, forever. ‘How could he do that to this…kid? Jesus, he’s scarred for life.’

A forbidden animosity began to unwind in Jade’s gut again. ‘So selfish, so fucking selfish.’ Hard to believe that Davey’s suffering had been so unrelenting that it justified leaving so many in such pain. Jade just couldn’t get his mind around it. Nearly every day strangers told Davey they owed their life to his music. How could he not think of those people? So many young people looked up to him as an example of right living. What would they do? He was supposedly free of suffering now. ‘But what about the rest of us?’

And if Nils was right and Davey had been driven to it by their breakup, why didn’t he give Jade a little time? He was already beginning to miss him and was tiring of Melissa. If they were meant to be together, as Davey said they were, why wasn’t he willing to wait for Jade to return? He knew Davey had planned his suicide for weeks, if not months. Why had he lost all hope of reconciliation so quickly?

He repeated the mantra of all survivors: ‘He was sick he didn’t know what he was doing he wasn’t in his right mind he didn’t know he was sick…’Over and over he recited the words until a glimmer of forgiveness quelled the feelings of betrayal, futility, utter waste and unfathomable loss. It seemed all his days and nights now consisted of these internal dialogues where he raged, mourned, bargained, reasoned and forgave until the cycle began again. Between it all, there were moments of peace.

With a heavy sigh, Jade picked up a comforter lying in a heap on the floor and spread it over Nils. Exhausted, as he was every night now, he kicked off his shoes, lay down next to the frail young man and slipped into a deep, dreamless sleep.

*************************************************************************************

 

 

Jade wondered where he was when he woke. He looked at the bed beside him and saw Nils still sleeping. ‘Whoa. I slept with Nils? I mean, at Nils,’ I must’ve been really out of it. Feel pretty good, tho.’ He had more enthusiasm and energy than he’d had since… ‘Jade, for just one minute, give yourself a break. Don’t go there.’ He forced himself to think something other than his usual waking thought, ‘Dave’s gone.’

‘Um, gotta get some nourishment into this kid. And I’ve gotta stop calling him that, he’ll kill me if I let that slip. Nils. Mission Feed Nils. Ninja’s on it.’ He missed his brother. He went out to the living room in search of his SK.

Sure enough, there was a text from Smith. ‘Bro, whr r u.’ Jade dug through the piles of papers and books on Nils’ desk, finding paper and pen. He stopped and wondered if he should text Nils. ’Now that’s just stupid, even if it is the 90’s.’ He smiled to himself as he wrote out the note. “Will bring food. Be prepared.” He left it on the bathroom sink.

Something was strange about his face. He touched the corners of his mouth. He was still smiling, ‘Weird.’ He skipped down the stairs of the apartment building and jumped in his car, wondering what flavors Nils liked in his smoothies.

************************************************************************************

“Who’s coming over?” Nils surveyed the spread on the coffee table. “What? What do you mean?” Jade felt like he’d missed something. “Well, this can’t all be just for us two.” Jade shrugged. “I didn’t know about flavors so I just got an assortment. And the rest will keep. There’s nothing to eat in this place, you know.”

“You can’t go out ‘til you have some clean clothes to wear.” Jade stood up, shoving the last piece of two very large muffins into his mouth. He took the last drink of his smoothie and went into the bedroom. Nils knew Jade was in there gathering up his dirty clothes. It was rude not to help but he was too weary to care and Jade's new-found energy was just making him more tired.

He stared at his toes, feet up on the coffee table. He realized he really was wearing his little sister’s track pants, judging from the six inches of skinny calves and ankles that were exposed. ‘Let him do the laundry if it turns him on.’ Nils leaned back and closed his eyes, chewing slowly on a bagel.

He considered getting a drink. He’d usually had one by now. ’Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.’ His head was itchy and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d showered and washed his hair. He lifted an arm and sniffed underneath. ‘That’s why they call it stinking drunk, I guess, ’ as he hauled himself up off the couch.

He peeked in at Jade, picking through the clothes scattered around the bedroom. “Hey. Thanks for breakfast.” Jade looked up. “Sure. I had to get something for myself anyway.” He noticed that Nils was meeting his eyes for the first time. Sensing the connection, Nils quickly looked down and walked away. Jade heard the bathroom door lock and the shower running.

Jade’s phone rang. ‘Shit. Forgot to call Smith back.’

“Hey man…you won’t believe it…Nils’ place…Smith? you there?…long story…last night?…here…Smith! shut up!…Jesus, not like that, man!…I don’t think he even knows I was here…he’s in bad shape, Smith…you don’t know the half of it…I don’t know, why?…when? 3:00...okay…I’m just getting his laundry together so I can drop it off at that dry cleaners near Sunset…shut the FUCK UP!…it’s no big deal!…listen, I’ll call you when I’m back at the house…m’bye.”

Jade had continued to go through clothes with his free hand. He picked up a rolled bundle stashed half-way under the bed. It unfolded as he lifted it. A deep-blue nylon stretch shirt fell away from the fitted black pants it had been wrapped in. A small piece of darker blue fabric fell on his foot. He picked it up and felt a spot of stiff material. ’Oops, intimate apparel.’ Embarrassed, Jade dropped it.

Something fell out of a pants pocket and tinkled as it hit the floor, tangling in a pile of silver. Jade slowly knelt and looked at it, hoping it wasn’t what his heart was screaming it was. His fingers were drawn to it by a will of their own.

He shivered when he touched the two pendants. One was a heart engraved with the word HATE and the other, a silver fleeing rabbit. He’d wondered about them but didn’t have the courage to ask before Davey’s body had been cremated. Only Penny, Paul and Michael had seen his body (aside from Nils, who’d been on the scene) and he thought maybe the coroner had removed the necklaces and given them to his family. Or maybe they’d broken off with the impact of the fall and been lost on the ground somewhere.

For years, Davey had worn the HATE heart coupled with another heart that read LOVE. He’d given that one to Monica when she left him. It had been quite dramatic, with Davey insisting she take the pendant like she took his heart. When DecemberUnderground was released, he arranged for his favorite NYC jeweler to design an exclusive line of the DU rabbit pendants just for the band and crew.

Eventually, some of Davey’s closest friends were given them. Nils had never taken his off from the moment Davey had fastened it around his neck, kissing his cheek. Davey had never taken his off, either.

Jade nearly fell over when Nils struck his arm, knocking the jewelry out of his hand. Nils snatched it all up and crushed it to his chest in his fist. His voice was strangled as he hissed, “These are mine to keep! He left them for me! Leave me alone!” Nils retreated once again to the bathroom and slammed the door.

Jade sat on the floor, stunned. He heard Nils softly crying. He roused himself and hurriedly finished gathering the laundry into a bag and made for the door. He wanted out of there.

He stopped, set down the bag and returned to the clothes he’d left behind on the floor. Obviously, this was the outfit Nils had worn during his last night with Davey. Jade neatly laid out the pants, shirt and boxers on the bed. He ran a finger down the line of delicate buttons on the shirt, wondering if Davey’s fingers had unfastened them as he’d undressed Nils, as he’d done so many times to Jade. What about the pants zipper? Had he pulled it down slowly with that intense look of love and lust that made Jade desperate with anticipation? The satin underwear - had Davey slid it down over Nils’ hips, catching it on his own erection?

Jade squeezed his eyes shut, fighting the tears quickly gathering there. It wasn’t possible that he’d never touch Davey or be touched by him again. Davey had been created for making love, another one of his gifts. That’s why it hurt so badly when he’d become…cruel. He had begun to fear Davey’s advances, not knowing what might happen.

Jade forced himself to keep moving, anxious to avoid another confrontation with Nils. He was loading the bag of laundry into the trunk of his car when he remembered seeing something disturbing as Nils had turned away from him to flee into the bathroom with Davey’s jewelry. He’d only been wearing a towel around his waist and Jade had seen his back. It was marked with several lines of light scars, running from his shoulders all the way down to his hips. They looked like they’d been made by fingernails.

  


 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4690>


	4. Chapter 4

Jade was surprised when Nils’ door was opened by an attractive woman about ten years older than himself. After a moment, she smiled and said, “You’re Jade Puget, from AFI, aren’t you?”

Jade could only say, “Yes.” He was holding bundles of freshly washed and pressed laundry, the dry cleaning draped over the railing behind him. “I just came to drop this off. Is Nils home?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, please come in. Let me take some of those,” she offered as she reached for the laundry. “I’m Christina, by the way.” Jade followed her into the apartment. Without thinking about how it might sound, he exclaimed, “Am I in the right apartment? This place was a pigsty yesterday!”

The woman chuckled. “I’ve been working non-stop since I got here. So, thank you.” Her smile faded. “Nils is usually very tidy. He just hasn’t been himself since…”

Jade carried his bundles into the bedroom and placed them on the bed. He turned back to the woman with a sympathetic expression. “Sure. I understand.” Jade prepared to take his leave but the woman put her hand on his arm. She timidly asked, “Do you have time for coffee or something? I’d really like to talk to you about him.”

Jade looked at her closely. He noticed she held her head in such a way that her shoulder-length, blonde hair nearly covered one eye. He could see that she had a blackened eye and cut cheek behind the hair. She had Nils’ deep-blue eyes. As if reading his mind, she said, “Yes, I’m Nils’ mother.”

Jade felt he had to accept her invitation. “Tell you what. I’ll make the coffee and you put away the laundry. And we can talk,” Jade suggested with a smile. “Deal,” she replied with a smile of her own.

He poured the coffees, then went to the bedroom to ask what she took in hers. She’d already finished with the folded clothes and was hanging the dry-cleaning in the closet. Jade saw the outfit he’d left carefully laid out on the bed the day before hanging there. It was hung neatly as one unit, the black pants beneath the blue shirt. He thought he saw the satin boxers pinned there too, beneath the sheer fabric of the shirt.

‘I wonder where he put Dave’s necklaces,’ feeling sadness descend on him. Having gotten Christina’s preference, he went back to the kitchen to prepare her cup.

He returned and set her cup and saucer on the dresser. Feeling the need to make light conversation, Jade said, “I hope he didn’t go out wearing what he had on yesterday.”

Nils’ mother laughed. “Oh no! Ashley’s pants and the tshirt with the holes in it? That’s why I’m here. He broke down and asked me to bring him some clothes from home. And to be honest, I think he just wanted to see me. You think at 21, you don’t need your mother anymore but there are times…”

“For sure. I’m 32 and I still want my mommy sometimes.” Jade snorted but he was half-serious.

‘He’s really charming,’ Christina mused. ‘I wonder why Nils called him an obnoxious asshole. Then again, looks can be deceiving…’ She touched a fingertip to the bruises around her eye and winced. ‘Everyone who meets Nils’ dad immediately likes him.’

“When I found out his laundry wouldn’t be ready ‘til today I planned to come back last night and drop off something of mine for him to wear - he looks like we’re the same size. But my schedule went haywire. A 3:00 meeting became another meeting which became a business dinner which became an obligatory party. People in the music industry like to mix business and pleasure.”

“But not you, right? Isn’t your band…straightedge, they call it?”

“Just me and…our singer. The other guys enjoy the vices occasionally but they stick to what’s legal - alcohol and tobacco.”

Christina walked up to Jade and placed her hand on his arm again. He found it oddly comforting. Quietly, she said, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for your loss. I never met Davey but I’ve heard he had a truly unique talent and was an amazing person, as well. Of course, Nils was biased. He was in love with him.”

‘Not half as much as I was,’ Jade thought bitterly. ’How could he be? He didn’t really know him. But maybe I didn’t know him as well as I thought, either…’ He remembered the complete shock it had been to find a photo of Davey’s father in a beautiful frame on his dresser. He must’ve put it there quite recently. No one -except his mother- even knew it existed. He’d left a box of his father’s writings on his dresser, with a sheet of paper on top that read MOM. No one but her had known about those, either.

Jade could only reply, “Thank you. He did and he was,” before his voice broke.

“What about the band? You’re really successful now. Will it go on? Are you looking for a replacement?” She asked innocently and added, “This has happened to a lot of bands. It’s the artistic temperament, I guess. I’m sure you could continue if you wanted to.”

Jade tried to hide his shock at such a suggestion. How could anyone possibly think AFI could continue when the fire had died?

He took a deep breath before answering. “We were working on something together. I’m going to finish it with the rest of the band and our friends that sang backup for him a lot. I don’t know what we’ll do after that.” He thought about the pile of notebooks and loose papers that they’d found stacked in the middle of Davey’s bed. On top was another sheet of paper that simply read JADE. He took that to mean he had permission to continue creating their music if he wanted. It had meant that and so much more but Davey wasn’t there to explain it to him.

Sensing how uncomfortable he was, Christina changed the subject. “Speaking of straightedge, I was really worried about how much Nils was drinking. I was surprised when I found protein smoothies in place of the wine bottles. He said you’d done that. And he wasn’t too happy about the missing booze! But - thanks. Thanks for taking care of him. He’s still too skinny and exhausted but he looked so much better than the last time I saw him.”

“I’ll admit I was shocked by the shape he was in. We didn’t know it was that bad. I guess we should’ve checked on him sooner but we just found out Trevor and Ryan are both on tour.” He was lying. He had avoided any thought of Nils for his own selfish reasons.

He felt terribly guilty that he’d kept the note he’d found at Davey’s house. It had read, “Adam. Take care of Nils, please. I love you. Dave.” ‘Guess I’ll be confessing to Adam soon.’ Jade sighed.

“Marta stayed with him a lot at first but something happened in her family and she went back to New York. And I tried, believe me. But who am I?"” She gave a sardonic smile and shrugged. “Just his mother. At least, he agreed to finally go out and brave the grocery, on my insistence.”

As if on cue, Nils came in with a couple of shopping bags. He stopped when he saw Jade and his mouth hardened into a frown.

“Nils, look! Jade’s been keeping me company.” Christina was happy to have met another one of Nils’ friends, or so she thought.

“So I see.” Nils replied coolly, disappearing into the small kitchen with his groceries.

Jade raised his voice so Nils would hear him. “I just came to drop off your laundry. I’m going.”

Christina followed suit and loudly enthused, “He’s been great. He even made me coffee so I’d have the stamina to put away your entire wardrobe.”

Nils appeared at the doorway, fists on his hips. Glaring at Jade, he said, “And did you help put it away, too?”

Jade knew exactly what he was implying. “No, no. I was just the barrista for your mom.”  
Unconvinced, Nils continued to challenge him, “You weren’t in my closet, then?”

Jade was shaking his head “no,” when Christina interrupted. “I wouldn’t let that him do that, honey. Putting away your laundry is still my job.” Nils visibly relaxed, believing his mother’s answer.

A cell phone rang. It was Christina’s, muffled in her bag. She and Nils exchanged tense glances. “Mom, don’t…” but she was already fishing it out. She stared at the screen. “It’s him…” She looked at Nils apologetically. “I have to, you know…”

Nils turned away, obviously disappointed. He opened a new pack of cigarettes and quickly lit one with shaking hands. He walked back into the kitchen so he wouldn’t have to listen to the same conversation he’d heard repeated as long as he could remember.

Jade was drawn to follow him. “Is everything okay?” He kicked himself. He just couldn’t seem to keep his nose out of Nils’ personal business.

Nils leaned back against the kitchen counter and took a drag off his cigarette. He lifted his chin and blew smoke towards the ceiling. Jade could tell he was numbing himself. “Yeah. It’s just Dad.” He continued to tilt his head back and look at the ceiling for no reason other than to avoid the question in Jade’s eyes.

That’s when Jade noticed Davey’s rabbit necklace around his neck, the bejeweled pendant nestled in the hollow at the base of Nils’ throat, entangled with the shiny one he’d always worn. He felt like all the air had suddenly been sucked from the room and he was suffocating. He told himself it was just the cigarette smoke that bothered him.

“I have to go. Tell your mom it was nice to meet her.” Jade was gone before Nils could reply.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4690>


	5. Chapter 5

As the days, weeks and months passed and Davey remained absent from their lives, those left behind struggled to adjust to a future without him.

Jade felt compelled to continue work on Blaqk Audio, the side project he and Davey had tinkered with for years. He knew he'd have to change the approach entirely to include them but he felt obligated to finish it with the help of Davey's closest musician-friends.

Jade gathered the band and Smith together first to discuss the project. Given the revision needed to give everyone a part, they considered changing the name but in the end decided it was perfect.

“Audio. Well, that’s straightforward. That’s what it is,” Adam said.

“Blaqk. That certainly fits, considering the circumstances,” Hunter observed sadly.

“Blaqk, with a Q, as in queer, queen…Obviously, that’s Dave, so you gotta keep that,” Smith quipped, flashing a toothy grin. Enough healing had taken place that the others cracked smiles at Smith’s joke. Smith watched his brother’s face closely. Even Jade gave a smirk. ‘Good,the smirk's back,'he noted with relief.

The vocal parts were rotated among the many friends who had sung with Davey over the years, occasionally with a solo performance but usually as duos and trios. The recording sessions became a form of group therapy for everyone involved. It was an answer to the helplessness they all felt. “At least we’re doing something to keep him alive in some way,” Nick had said.

One day, Jade looked up from the control board to see Nils entering the studio. Adam followed close behind. Jade hadn’t seen Nils since the day he went to his apartment to drop off his laundry and had met his mother, Christina.

Jade often thought about that day and what it had revealed about Nils’ homelife. He could relate to the hell a child went through when domestic violence was as much a part of daily life as getting on the school bus. He’d always been thankful his mother had divorced his father when he was still young. He’d been fortunate that his stepfather was an easygoing,gentle man. They never had any money but the stability of his mother’s second marriage gave them all a sense of security growing up.

Adam was spending as much time as possible with Nils while he was in L.A. recording Blaqk Audio. It was his way of fulfilling Davey's last request of him to "take care of Nils." Bringing him to the studio every day got him out of his apartment and around a group of people dealing with the same loss.

Nils would help the techs, make coffee and food runs, and play with Smith. Smith loved a playmate and he pestered Nils until he surrendered to his silliness.

After several weeks of that routine, Nils came in carrying a book bag, along with his ever-present laptop. He settled himself on a sofa in the corner and proceeded to spread out textbooks and papers. Jade was intrigued and felt comfortable enough to approach him. The tension between them had gradually lessened with daily exposure.

Jade perched on the arm of the sofa and leaned over Nils’ shoulder. “Looks like somebody’s gone back to school.” To his amazement, Nils turned his face up to Jade’s and smiled. “Adam fired me as a studio assistant and informed me that ‘groupie’ is not a career. So I really had no choice.”

Without thinking, Jade looked into his eyes and said, “And being pretty can only get you so far for so long.” Nils eyes went wide and Jade felt his face burning. He jumped up and practically sprinted back to the recording area. For the rest of the day, he often felt someone watching him and would look around to meet Nils’ eyes just as he averted his gaze.

Nils became busier with school and could only visit the studio once or twice a week. Jade missed having him around and wondered how he could find an excuse to see him more often. As it happened, Nils contacted him first.

“I’ve been thinking about that first day you came over to my apartment - what I can remember of it, I was really wasted. And…well, I still don’t know why you were there.”

“It’s not something I want to talk about over the phone…Would you consider coming over to my place for dinner?” Jade held his breath during the long silence that followed.

Jade had to strain to hear Nils’ quiet answer. “Okaay…I guess I can do that. When?”

“How’s tomorrow night, around 8?”

“Sure.”

They chatted for a few more minutes, filling each other in on the recording and class papers due. Nils felt most comfortable talking to Jade about school, since he was the only one in the band to finish his degree. It had been quite awhile ago but some things, like senior year stress, remained the same. As they were about to end the call Jade added,” Hey, Nils, b.y.o.b.” Nils laughed, “Gotcha. Bye.”

Jade didn’t sleep well that night. He was anxious about dinner with Nils, for some reason. He tried to sort out his feelings. He fell into a habit he’d developed lately, one that made him feel crazy but he couldn’t stop - he talked to Davey. He couldn’t stop doing it because Davey always answered. He knew it was just his subconscious ruminations but it made him fell so much better to think of it as Davey.

‘Is this all right? I feel guilty. Why am I doing this? I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I feel guilty. Oh god, Dave, should I be doing this?’ Jade rolled over onto his stomach, squeezed his pillow hard and buried his face in it. He heard Davey’s voice. ‘What, have dinner?’ Jade could feel his teasing smile. Then softly, ‘Yes, you should. Even if it’s more than dinner, you should. Now rest.’

Jade released a sigh of relief and gratitude. He felt warmly embraced and quickly sunk into sleep.

************************************************************************************

Jade had prepared a simple but tasty dinner of portabello mushrooms in a béchamel sauce, greek salad and peaches and raspberries in fresh, whipped cream. He wanted to wear something dressier than the black tee and black jeans he had on. He was self-conscious about his heavily freckled arms. He’d noticed Nils’ flawless skin, arms and chest hairless as a boy’s. If he hadn’t seen Nils at his worst, unshaven for four days, he’d suspect a hormonal imbalance that had delayed puberty.

He finally decided on a long-sleeved, stretch beige pullover and left on the black jeans. He’d just finished changing and straightening his long, blonde bang again when he heard a knock at the door.

“Wow. Your hair.” Jade was taken aback by the short cut.

“I know, big change. I felt ready for something new. I haven’t been mistaken for a girl all day.”

“Go up to Oakland and the dykes will be all over you,” Jade said with his customary smirk.

Nils grinned. “That would be interesting. Maybe I’ll…” He realized he never wanted to set foot in Oakland again. It had been Davey’s home and favorite place in the world and he’d never visit there again without him.

Jade knew he’d done it again. “Sorry. ..,” but Nils had already walked into the kitchen. “Smells great. Glasses?” He set a bottle of wine on the counter.

Jade walked over to him and reached above him to open a cabinet, his chest brushing Nils’ back in the process. He set the glass down on the counter and began to back away when Nils caught his hand and held it for a moment. “Get another one.”

“I’m not drinking, you know.” Nils picked up the bottle with his other hand and waved it at Jade. “No alcohol. And it’s really good. You have to try it.” He released Jade’s hand so he could reach up for another glass. Jade liked the smell of Nils’ hair as he leaned against him again.

That close, it was impossible not to notice Nils’ freshly exposed nape. It was even paler than the rest of his complexion, having been hidden beneath his long hair for so long. Jade could see the double strands of silver chain around the back of his neck although the pendants were tucked inside his shirt.

He quickly stepped away and checked on the sauce warming on the stovetop. “How hungry are you? Do you want to eat now or…?”

“Let’s pour a glass of this and you give me a tour of your house first.” Nils smiled, hoping to relax Jade.

“Not much to see. I bought it this past year, and I’ve just been too busy…and stuff.” He had no interest in doing anything with it after Davey died. “But you can see the floor plan and the deck out back is nice. I was going to put a hot tub out there…but I don’t think I will now.”

Nils was beginning to think his suggestion was fraught with too many disquieting possibilities. Although Davey had never lived there with Jade, his presence was palpable. “Just show me the deck.” Nils touched Jade’s fingers, encouraging him to lead the way.

Jade was impatient to be finished with dinner, so he could focus on Nils completely. “How about after dinner? We can relax and talk out there. Go dig around in the cds and find us something to listen to while we eat and I’ll get the food on the table.”

“Don’t know if you should trust me. Someone told me once I suck as a dj.” Nils smiled sadly at the memory of that last ride in Davey’s car, on the way to the hotel where Davey “had plans.” Davey had put him in charge of the car stereo then teased him about his musical choices. Nils wouldn’t be able to eat if he continued that train of thought, so he forced himself to smile, walk over to the sound system and browse Jade’s music collection. He chose Elliott Smith.

Dinner passed pleasantly enough. Jade was glad to see Nils had an appetite again. In fact, he had regained most of the weight he’d lost during the past months, leaving him willowy instead of skeletal. After dessert they both cleaned up the kitchen and put away the leftovers. Jade assembled a plate for Nils to take home.

They took their drinks out to the deck and without discussion, sat next to each other on a padded bench. Nils resisted the desire for a cigarette, knowing Jade would prefer he not smoke. They enjoyed the warm, quiet night in silence for several minutes, the music from inside the house filtering outside.

Nils knew they couldn’t avoid it any longer. “So, Jade. Why? Why did you come over that day?” He watched him out of the corner of his eye. Jade’s long fingers caught his bang in a scissor -motion and he tossed it back. “I’m not sure I know how to explain. I just needed to know…I just wanted…you were the only one who knew…oh shit.” He tapped his fingers on his knees, searching for the words.

“You wanted to know what his last night was like?” Nils asked. Jade nodded. Nils was acutely aware of how closely Jade was listening and dreaded saying the wrong thing. “Honestly, it was so confusing. He was so many different people that night.”

“What do you mean?” Nils could feel Jade staring at him. He spread his hands, exasperated. “Jade, I don’t know what you want me to say. I can’t go over it blow-by-blow…”

Jade’s eyes flashed in anger. “Not funny.”

“Oh fuck, Jade. How could I joke about it?” Nils made an effort to control his temper. “Look. I refuse to fight with you about this anymore. If that’s why you invited me, I better leave. This jealousy of yours is a big fiction. Not only do you have no right to be jealous - you left him, remember - you have no reason to be. He was faithful to you, even after you left him to screw around with that chick.”

“You’re lying! You were lovers…”

“Who says?? He wasn’t interested in me like that. He wasn’t interested in anyone but you. I’m sorry to be crude, but we never fucked until that night.”

Jade’s voice was small. “So you did…”

“Yeah, okay?! But I had to seduce him and even then it was like he was doing me a favor.” Nils’ mind wandered to the latter part of the evening. He always stopped his memories at the moment Davey had invited him into the bedroom. Anything after that was just too disturbing.

As if reading his thoughts, Jade asked him point-blank, “Did he hurt you?” Nils was silent. “I saw the scars that day, Nils. You’re saying you were only with him once, that last night. He did all that in one night?”

Nils felt he had to defend Davey. “It was my fault! I misled him. I acted like I wanted it rough, or at least like I wouldn’t mind. I was just trying to make him think I was…experienced. I didn’t want him to feel responsible…”

“Wait a minute. Are you saying you were a virgin?” Jade’s eyes were round with astonishment.

Nils looked away and swallowed hard, blinking away tears Jade could see shining in his eyes in the moonlight. He whispered, “I wanted him to be my first. It was my fault…”

Jade’s voice was full of sympathy. “Your fault, really? Did you tell him to stop or did he gag you so you couldn’t?”

“No. He heard me, I’m sure…but it just seemed…”

“It turned him on even more, didn‘t it?” Jade had to remind himself this was Davey they were talking about, the man who cried over roadkill. Nils hugged himself as if he were suddenly chilled.

“Why couldn’t you get away? Did he have you pinned?”

“No, I was tied down. But I was the one who brought up restraints when he said there was a four-poster bed. I was half-joking but it was me who suggested it. I thought it sounded so sophisticated.” Nils’ voice was shaky. “It wasn’t his fault…”

“Listen to me, Nils. The last time he tried to do that to me, I was forced to hit him to get him off me. The man I loved, my best friend my entire life practically - I had to punch him in the face hard, with my fist. I felt like I was fighting for my life.” Nils hung his head and sniffled.

Jade couldn’t stand to see him tortured like that. He put his arm around Nils and gently pulled him against him. “Do you understand? You didn’t ask for it, not for what you got. He wasn’t always like that. He was my first guy, too and it was nothing short of beautiful the first time.”

Jade turned Nils to face him and lifted his chin with a firm hand. His nose was pink and his eyes were wet. “I know it’s all you’ve ever seen, but love doesn’t have to hurt. It shouldn’t.” Jade kissed him, slowly and lightly, just pressing his closed lips against his. Nils didn’t pull away.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4690>


	6. Chapter 6

Jade pulled back from the chaste kiss but only a few inches. Soft brown eyes questioned deep blue. They listened to each other breathe.

Nils lifted a hand to Jade’s cheek and slowly traced his side-burn with a fingertip. He swallowed and looked at Jade’s mouth. His fingertip outlined the full pout and Jade couldn’t help but part them a little. He remained very still and stopped all thought.

Nils hand slipped around to rest on the nape of Jade’s neck. He leaned in and placed his slightly open mouth on Jade’s. Jade returned a restrained kiss. Nils’ hand remained on the back of Jade’s neck, preventing him from pulling away again. He closed his eyes and moved his mouth against Jade’s. Jade tentatively slid his arms around Nils’ waist and increased the pressure of the kiss.

Nils was the first to slide his tongue between their mouths, leaving a silky slick along Jade’s bottom lip. Jade’s voice stopped him cold.

“Nils.” Nils saw the somber expression in Jade’s eyes and dropped his hand to his shoulder.

“You know I’m not in love with you?”

“I know. I’m not in love with you either.” Nils stated it as a matter of fact.

Jade chewed his lip, never breaking the gaze they held. “But…there’s a possibility that I could be…someday.”

Nils tilted his head a bit to the side and asked,“How much of a possibility?”

“A distinct possibility.”

Nils gave a small smile. “That’s good enough.”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you want it to mean?”

Jade was silent for several minutes, then he whispered, “Stay with me tonight.”

Nils looked away from the hope in Jade’s eyes. ‘The last time I heard those words…’ He forced the memory of his last night with Davey from his mind. In reply, he kissed Jade and placed his hands on his narrow shoulders. Jade tightened his hold around Nils’ waist.

Nils must’ve put the Elliott Smith on loop because it continued to play as they continued to kiss until breathless. Jade accidentally brushed a hand across Nils’ lap as he adjusted his embrace and was surprised to find him obviously aroused.

‘To be 21 again,’ Jade mused to himself.

“What are you smiling about?” Nils was afraid he knew.

“Your youthful enthusiasm,” Jade smirked and gave his knee a light squeeze.

Nils lowered his eyes, cheeks flushed. What could he say? Jade was very attractive with a very kissable mouth.

Jade lifted his chin and looked into his eyes. Kindly, he said,“Don't be embarrassed,” and ran his thumb along Nils’ lower lip. “I’m sure I could be in the same condition with a little encouragement, if that’s what you want.”

Nils suddenly leaned heavily against Jade’s shoulder, his eyes closing. “I’m tired, so tired.” He still fought a daily battle with depression and it was exhausting.

He hadn’t taken his own advice. He’d nearly begged Davey to try medication when he was grieving over Jade. He’d ignored the plea. He knew no pill would bring Jade back to him.

Jade realized this was going awfully fast. He hugged Nils with an arm around his back, enjoying the smell of his hair and the weight of his head on his shoulder.

It was getting chilly out on the deck. “Let’s go inside,” Jade suggested.

Nils started at the sound of his voice, unaware he’d dozed off. He blinked and yawned.

“I think you should stay here tonight, just to sleep. You’ve got your choice of guest bedrooms. The décor is Spartan but comfortable.”

Nils was unexpectedly disappointed by Jade’s offer of a guest room but he knew it was the wiser decision.  
“Yeah, maybe I better.”

Jade kept his arm around him as they rose and walked into the house. He showed Nils the guest rooms and indicated which was his own bedroom. Nils chose the room directly across from Jade’s.

“Anything you need should be in the bathroom. Feel free to take a shower or whatever.”

“I think I’m just going to crash. Maybe I’ll shower in the morning, if that’s okay.” There was no answer. Nils looked up and saw that Jade was gone.

Jade reappeared with a bottle of water and set it on the nightstand. “What do you usually sleep in -clothes wise?’

“Just a tshirt and boxers.”

“Me, too. I’ll get you a top. You definitely don’t want to wrinkle that dress-shirt. Good color on you, too.”

‘I forgot how fashion-conscious he is.’ Nils smiled inwardly at the memory of Davey’s affectionate mockery of Jade’s excessive primping before any public appearance.

“Well, here’s a tshirt. I’m right across the hall if you need anything. ’Night.”

Jade turned to go but he was stopped by Nils’ hand on his arm. “Thanks, Jade.” His hand dropped away.

“Sure. Sleep well.” Jade closed the door quietly behind him.

Melancholy descended on him as he stood alone in the middle of his silent living room. ‘I may as well try to get some sleep, too.’

He set the security system and checked the kitchen to be sure everything was turned off. He modified his nightly routine, postponing shaving until morning.

He lay in his bed and willed himself to sleep. As he drifted into the space between waking and dreaming, snatches of his evening with Nils played out before his mind’s eye.

He heard someone say his name and he jolted fully awake. “What?”

“Sorry,” Nils answered in a small voice. “Shit, you were asleep.” He’d been standing just inside Jade’s door and turned back towards his own room.

“Nils! No, it’s okay, I wasn’t. Just…thinking. Do you need something?”

“No, it’s stupid. I’m sorry, really sorry.” Nils had moved out to the hallway.

Jade got up and stood in his doorway, one long arm stretched up and resting on his elbow, hand running through his hair in an attempt to smooth it. His tshirt was lifted so Nils glimpsed the tattoo arched across his stomach.

“Look, I’m up now. What is it?” Jade kept his tone neutral.

“Well…would it be okay if I left the music on all night? I can’t sleep when it’s so quiet. I don’t know why. It started when Davey died.”

It was the first time Jade heard those words pass Nils’ lips. It felt like a threshold had been crossed.

Jade had an idea. “Go back to bed. I’ll take care of it.”

“Thanks.” Nils disappeared into his bedroom. He lay in the dark, door open so he could hear what Jade decided to play.

Jade went back to his bedroom, picked up his favorite acoustic and settled himself crosslegged in the middle of his bed, guitar cradled in his lap. He began to pick out a melody that arose in his mind. He didn’t think, just let his fingers move as they wanted across the strings and frets.

He silently cried and played until the calluses on his fingers cracked and bled and dawn began to lighten the sky. Nils had been asleep for hours.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4690>


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

Nils had forgotten to close the blinds in the guest room and now it was flooded with light. He held up a hand and shielded his eyes from the glare of a midmorning southern California sun. He’d slept exceptionally well and could only return to wakefulness slowly. He had no idea where he was for several seconds.

Jade’s. He closed his eyes and rolled over onto his stomach, facing away from the window. He let his mind wander to the evening before. The quiet, comfortable dinner and the companionable cleaning up afterward. The stillness of the night on the deck and the heartbreaking conversation that took place there.

He didn’t want to believe what Jade had said about Davey was true. Had he really just used his body to fulfill some sick need one last time? Even if that was indeed what happened, Nils didn’t believe it had been premeditated.

When they’d finished making love in the bath and Davey had invited him into the bedroom to continue the pleasure, Nils was sure he had no intention of doing what he’d eventually done. He had been too sad and solicitous afterward, obviously sorry for what had happened.

Nils forced himself to say it, if only in his mind. ’He didn’t plan to…rape…me.’

The tears began to burn in the corners of his eyes. He sat up and rubbed the heels of his hands against them, frustrated with himself. ‘I will not spend another day in bed crying.’

The tears continued to form but he ignored them and threw his legs over the side of the bed, not sure what to do. He saw the bottle of water Jade had left for him, half full. He finished it off, despite it being warm, and decided he’d shower and shave.

Jade had been true to his word, everything he needed was provided in the guest bath. As he relaxed under the hot pulsations of the shower he let the tears flow freely, washed away with the regret, the sadness, the aching pain of loss.

He focused on the present moment, trying to reconnect with his senses. He listened to the hissing of the shower spray, he smelled the spicy aroma of the body wash and tasted the faint saline of the softened water running down his body. He stared at his own reflection in the mirror that hung in the shower stall.

He had not really looked at himself since the trauma, afraid of what he’d see. He looked deep into his own eyes. There was no mistaking it. He had been changed.

Who was looking back at him? He no longer saw the boy/man he’d been that night, first gawking at the luxury suite Davey had brought him to, then playing at false bravado and innuendo. What he saw now was an image of all innocence lost. ’Maybe I should be grateful to him for that.’

As he continued to look into his eyes, occasionally wiping away the mist on the mirror, they slowly transformed into…Jade’s? He recalled the gentleness, the kindness of their encounter. He had his arms crossed loosely over his chest, hands near his own shoulders. He remembered what Jade’s shoulders had felt like under his hands last night. How there had been the slightest pull towards Jade as his arms encircled his waist and how he had created nearly imperceptible tension by the slightest push back against his shoulders.

He raised a fingertip to his lips and traced their contours as he had Jade’s last night. They’d been so fleshy, so full and soft, like two miniature pillows to rest his own against. He wondered what his tongue felt like, the warmth inside his mouth.

Unbidden, his groin tingled at the body memory of Jade’s long, slender hand accidentally brushing across his lap, revealing an arousal he wasn’t even aware of himself. He replayed Jade’s suggestion that Nils coax him into the same condition. It had all ended suddenly when the heavy curtain of exhaustion fell on him.

Jade had been so kind then, putting him to bed. Even when he woke him to ask if he could have some music playing through the night, he hadn’t been short with him, as childish as that request seemed. Nils could hardly believe his ears when the music Jade “selected” was his own live playing. He’d fallen asleep effortlessly, feeling honored.

Nils finished shaving and moisturizing. He wandered out to the hallway to see if Jade was awake yet. It would be nice to repay his hospitality with breakfast. The house was silent and Nils felt the familiar foreboding begin in the pit of his stomach.

Against all reason, he had to reassure himself that Jade was all right, that no tragedy had occurred while he slept, unaware, that he’d not awakened to some horror he could’ve prevented...

He stepped into Jade’s bedroom and was moved by what he saw. Jade’s long frame was sprawled across the bed, on top of the bedcovers. His guitar lay next to him. He’d obviously fallen asleep while playing.

Nils picked up the guitar and replaced it in its stand. He took a blanket from the foot of the bed and spread it lightly over Jade, being careful not to wake him. He turned to leave the room and Jade to his dreams when he noticed something odd about Jade’s hand, as it gracefully dropped at the wrist over the edge of the bed, palm up, fingers curled reflexively.

His fingertips were discolored, smudged with something dark. Nils leaned in closely in the dimness to see what it was. Blood, dried blood. Nils was thoroughly puzzled and a little disturbed. The explanation came to him slowly. He’d played until his fingers bled.

Nils didn’t think that possible, considering the callouses he must have from playing guitar for more than half his life. That could only mean he’d played nonstop most of the night. Why?

Nils took a closer look at his face. The thin line of black kohl he’d drawn on his lower lid was smeared into the hollow below his eye, as if he’d been crying. He looked so vulnerable. Nils looked closer still. Jade was breathing.

He was so relieved, he wanted to hug him. Trying not to wake him, Nils crept under the blanket and lay on his side, Jade’s bicep fitted into the crook of his neck. He lightly draped his arm over Jade’s abdomen, his hand resting on his waist. Otherwise, he held his body away from his.

He hadn’t dressed after showering and he was only wearing a large towel cinched around his hips. The air-conditioning was beginning to chill him. He relaxed into the warmth their bodies created under the blanket and let his eyelids slowly fall. For the first time in months, he felt safe.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4690>


	8. Chapter 8

Jade knew where he was when he woke but not who lay against him. For the briefest of moments he thought it was Davey, simply because it was what he wanted. The sharp twist in the middle of his chest reminded him of the truth and he sighed deeply in disappointment.

Without opening his eyes, he began to shift position and was immediately rewarded by the agony of pins and needles He saw Nils’ face close to his own, his head near his shoulder, weighing down his arm.

He ignored the pain while he drank in Nils face, peacefully at rest. Jade noted that his features were perfect with the exception of his slightly larger nose, making him beautifully human, not flawlessly angelic as he would be otherwise.

He’d said Davey wasn’t interested in him “that way.” How did he resist making this boy with the porcelain skin his lover the second he’d walked out the door and into Melissa’s arms, Jade wondered.

“…Only you, he only wanted you,” Nils had said. Like countless times before, Jade was swept up in remorse and regret. He’d had no appreciation of how deeply and purely Davey had always loved him, despite the recent sick obsession. Like his father before him, he’d finally sacrificed himself on the altar of his love.

As he squeezed his eyes against the tears beginning to form, he felt a fingertip trace his cheek burn, just like the night before. He turned his face to Nils’ and saw him looking back at him, a small smile at the corners of his mouth.

In the time it took to exhale, Jade knew beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the moment was a gift. He rolled onto his side and closed the space between their mouths and bodies.

Nils froze for a moment, taken aback by what was happening. Then he too, sensed how very right it was and returned Jade’s kiss with equal ardor. He wrapped his arm around Jade’s back and pressed the full length of his body against his.

Nils moved his hand under Jade’s tshirt and felt the muscles around his shoulder blades, naturally developed as a result of his occupation. He trailed his hand down to his bony hip then around to Jade’s waist, pulling back to make a little space between them for his hand to explore the front of him.

His slender hand moved upward under the clothing, lightly touching Jade’s stomach and chest. It went from one nipple to the other and back again, so neither was neglected. He hooked his fingertips into the sharp hollow of Jade’s collarbone and left them there while he focused on the kiss.

The night before, he’d wondered what Jade’s tongue and mouth inside were like and now he was finding out. They tentatively explored inside each other during intimate kisses. Their mouths opened more fully but not enough to be sloppy and their tongues became bolder. They avoided hitting their noses together as they turned their faces this way and that, their kisses hungrier with every swipe. Nils’ sensitive cheeks were scraped by Jade’s morning stubble with each pass.

Nils had lifted his head and leaned over Jade. That finally freed Jade’s arm and he found a way to slip it around Nils’ back, ignoring the painful sensation of circulation returning. He pulled him down on top of him. Nils resisted and took his hand from under Jade’s shirt.

His fingers plucked at the material over Jade’s chest and breathlessly, he asked, “Take this off?” “Go ahead,” was all Jade replied. Nils rose so he was sitting up with both hands free. He gingerly took the shirt by the hem and rolled it up Jade’s upper torso and over his head. Jade pulled his arms free of it and tossed it on the floor.

Nils continued to sit up, slightly twisted at the waist, looking down on Jade. He supported himself on one hand and rubbed Jade’s abdomen and chest with the other, his eyes following closely. He traced his arched tattoo with three flattened fingers, like a bridge from hip to hip.

His hand paused there on the “d” and he looked up into Jade’s eyes, silently asking permission. He held his breath as he lowered his gaze to the blanket covering Jade’s pelvis. He moved his hand to the covering and pulled it away, revealing Jade’s erection pushing up against the front of his boxers. He forcefully exhaled through pursed lips, almost whistling.

Nils knelt beside Jade. He hooked the waistband of Jade’s boxers and tugged them down, taking care to lift them free of Jade’s cock. He continued to pull them down and Jade helped by lifting his ass and knees at the appropriate times. He was completely nude.

Nils rose up on his knees and opened the towel that was nearly off his hips anyway. He pulled it away from his body and threw it where Jade’s tshirt had gone. Naked and free to move, Nils straddled Jade’s legs and leaned forward, running the flat of his hands smoothly up and down his thighs. Then he folded upon himself so his head was even with Jade’s crotch. He gently wrapped one hand around the base of Jade’s now very erect cock and, rolling his big blue eyes up to meet Jade’s, lowered his mouth to cover the head. He heard Jade sigh.

He was ever so gentle as he kissed and sucked it, swirling his tongue round and round, licking the slit.  
He wanted more so he leisurely sucked Jade’s length into his mouth. The size wasn’t as intimidating as Davey’s had been, being similar to his own. He was able to take all of it down to the base, if he held his head just so and relaxed. He stayed still, enjoying having his mouth full all the way to the back of his throat. He could fell the pulsing of Jade’s penis against the flat of his tongue.

He felt a drop or two of pre-cum trickle down his throat and he swallowed. It sent him into action and he began to slide up and down on Jade‘s cock, sometimes moving his head in a circle, twisting it at the base. That made Jade sink his fingers into Nils’ short hair and moan.

Nils hollowed out his cheeks as he began to suck in earnest. Jade’s breathing was ragged and he couldn’t keep his hips still, making small thrusts in between Nils’ lips. Nils didn’t want to take him past the point of no return so he slowed his movements, pulled his mouth off his cock and sat up. He scooted forward so his knees were pressing against Jade’s ribs and their cocks were nearly on top of one another.

He wrapped his hands around them both and began to rub them together, using Jade’s pre-cum as a lubricant. He slid his hands around them, always keeping them pressed close. Jade began to thrust gently into Nils’ hands and Nils found himself doing the same. The feeling was exquisite and they both tossed their heads at the same time.

They saw it and let out a laugh, breaking the erotic tension and enabling Nils to stop before he brought them both to climax. Jade reached up, took Nils by his shoulders and pulled him down for a kiss. As the kiss deepened , Nils stretched out on top of Jade, their long, thin legs intertwined, feet sliding lazily up and down calves.

Jade kept his hands on the sides of Nils’ face, holding him in a passionate kiss. Eventually, Jade let him go and he sunk his head into the crook of Jade’s neck, where he began to kiss and nibble around his ear.

Jade whispered, “Nils, switch places with me?” He felt Nils hold his breath as he struggled to assent. Jade reassured him, “I’ll never hurt you, never.” Nils remembered that Jade had shown him nothing but kindness these past months.

He felt Nils shift and then move off of him, rolling on to his side. Jade followed him and continued the rolling motion until Nils was on his back with Jade halfway on top of him.

Jade began kissing him again, wanting him to completely relax and trust him, the way Jade had once trusted Davey. He ran his hand over Nils’ chest and down his arms. They were completely hairless, smooth and soft to the touch. He knew the same was true of his legs.

Jade was self-conscious about the thick hair that covered his lower arms, although it was fair and not noticeable except close-up. When he’d complained about it, Davey had offered to wax it for him but he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. He knew Smith would never let him live it down.

Jade worked to re-build the passion and he could feel Nils willing himself to give into it. Through slow, heavy, full-body strokes, deep kisses, nipples tenderly rubbed and neck gently sucked, Jade had Nils moving his hips against him, craving more contact. Jade lay on him completely, aligned their erections and ground against him, too. They both moaned under their breath and into each other’s mouths.

Jade felt Nils lock his feet around his ankles. He slid his feet up Jade’s calves, opening his legs to do so. He moved them higher to the back of his knees, spreading his legs wide, and thrust up against Jade. It drove Jade insane.

Jade decided to be direct about it, hoping that would calm any anxiety Nils had. He wanted him to know that he could say what he wanted and Jade would listen and honor it.

“I want to make love to you, Nils. May I?” Jade asked, sounding formal. “There’s no rush and the second you stop feeling pleasure is the second I stop.”

“Don’t you…we…need lube?” No way was he going to do this without it.

“Sure, I’ve got some here in the drawer. What about a condom? Would you like me to use one?”

“You decide. If you think we should, then yes. Otherwise, I’d rather not, I guess.”

He knew Davey hadn’t worn one, judging from the mess between his thighs in the morning. If it had just been cum, he wouldn’t have minded but there had been so much blood and…other stuff. He felt dirty, just thinking about it.

Jade was watching his face and saw the constellation of conflicting emotions at play there. ‘Maybe it’s too soon.,’ he thought, disappointed. ‘No. This is what you both need now. Show him how good it can be.’ Jade blanched at the sound of Davey’s voice in his head.

“Jade, are you okay?” Nils voice was soft and concerned. He’d been watching him, too.

Without answering , he gave Nils a closed smile and leaned over to the nightstand where he retrieved an unopened bottle of lubricant. He locked eyes with Nils as he squirted a generous amount in the palm of his hand and applied it to his semi-erect cock. Nils watched as Jade closed his eyes and stroked himself until he was completely hard again.

He put some more on his fingertips and reached down between Nils thighs. He left the lube at Nils’ entrance where it would warm with his body heat. He moved his attention to stroking Nils’ cock, gently cupping his balls and lightly rubbing his perineum. Nils relaxed and his lips parted slightly, panting. His eyes fluttered closed.

Jade moved his fingers to Nils’ entrance and gently circled the puckered skin. “Just one finger,” he mumbled, glad he’d trimmed and filed his nails the day before. He kissed along the side of Nils’ neck instead of his mouth, wanting to leave him capable of protest.

“It’ll feel strange at first but it shouldn’t hurt.” He was already in up to his first knuckle, past the ring of resistance. He moved his finger in a circular motion then withdrew it.

“Now two.” He repeated the process and opened and closed his fingers repeatedly inside Nils. He looked at his face. “All right?”

“Yeah…” Nils sounded surprised. He put his hand on the back of Jade’s head and drew him to his mouth for a kiss. They lost themselves in it while Jade left Nils empty, moving his hand to his cock, pulling up and over the head. Nils was breathing faster and Jade felt a little pre-cum ooze onto his hand. He continued touching him like that until Nils broke the kiss and whispered, “Let’s try...”

Jade stretched out on top of him and told him to lengthen his spine and wrap his legs around his waist as high as he possibly could. “Keep your bottom relaxed, imagine being open and liking it.”

Nils was getting impatient, he wanted this. He rocked his hips up against Jade and forcefully thrust his tongue into his mouth. The pantomime shocked and excited Jade and he couldn’t wait any more. “Want to guide me in?”

Nils slid his hand between them and Jade lifted up to give him the space he needed. Nils grasped Jade’s cock and pressed the head firmly against his entrance. He rocked up his hips again to wedge it in place, making Jade whimper and begin to push into him.

Nils bit his lip and turned his head to the side, eyes closed. Jade watched carefully but it seemed to be a sign of concentration, not discomfort. He eased himself all the way in and lay still. Nils gripped his shoulders and whispered, “Ohgod…”

He turned his mouth back to Jade’s for kissing and began to grind against him, his erection against Jade’s stomach. Jade moved inside him, pulling halfway out and then easing back in. Nils gasped, “Feels so good,” and Jade increased the tempo, murmuring, “Mmhmm.”

Jade knew he had yet to contact Nils’ prostate and he doubted he could in that position. Unsure if Nils would accept the suggestion, he asked tentatively, “Would you mind if we changed position? There’s something…” He saw the confusion and fear that visited Nils’ eyes. He tried to explain. “I want to show you something, I want you to feel something, it’s so good. I want you to know what it’s like.”

Nils still looked wary. “This feels good to me…”

“Me, too! Just…” Frustrated and awkward, he blurted out, “It’s your spot. I want to find it and rub it with my cock until you see stars and cry my name.” He smiled sheepishly.

The smile relaxed Nils. “Oh. Okay. I’ll try it but I want to be able to see you…” One of the most frightening aspects of what had happened with Davey was that he could never see him or anticipate what would happen next.

As if reading his mind, Jade said, “Always. No surprises.” Nils nodded that he understood and agreed.

“It won’t be as easy to kiss, unfortunately,” Jade mumbled, bending to Nils‘ mouth. “And you think I’m going to like it?” Nils asked with mock consternation. Jade saw him softly smiling and knew he was still willing. Jade finished the kiss he started, then reassured him, “Don’t think so, know so.”

He began to thrust into Nils again, quickly regaining his previous level of arousal, bringing Nils with him. He didn’t know how long he could last like that and decided he needed to change position before it was too late.

He pulled out and began to kiss his way down Nils’ body, beginning with his long, lovely neck. He kissed along his shoulders and nipped at his collarbone. He gave each nipple a full-on kiss, ran his fingertips over Nils’ ribs and tongued his navel.

For the first time, Jade took Nils’ cock into his mouth. He wanted to devour it, having forgotten how good the act felt. No, he wasn’t Davey but he was delicious all the same.

Nils tangled his fingers in Jade’s wild hair, moaning encouragement as Jade sucked and tongued him. Once again, Jade felt them coming too close to the edge. Reluctantly, he let Nils’ cock slip from his mouth. He sat up and firmly grasped Nils legs under the knees and lifted them, raising his ass so Jade could fit himself tight against him, his own knees spread wide, his thighs against Nils’ cheeks.

He let Nils lean his legs against his shoulders as he slid his cock back into him. They could both immediately feel the deeper penetration and Nils gasped. Jade leaned over him, placing his hands on the bed on either side of him, pressing in as far as he could.

He began to move, slowly at first, pulling out halfway each time. As he gradually increased the speed, he watched Nils head fall to the side and eyes slip shut, lips part lazily. His hands lightly held Jade’s.

Jade glanced down to see Nils was still quite hard, cock trembling against his stomach. He looked down a few inches farther and watched himself repeatedly entering him. That made Jade close his eyes and throw his head back as he let himself go.

He slammed his cock into Nils’ ass as hard as he could and, judging from Nils’ reaction, hit that special bundle of nerves right on. Nils eyes flew open, his hands gripped Jade’s and he let out a loud, shocked “Oh!”

There had been moments when Davey was taking him when he had felt something like it, but then the pain of being torn and wounded would overwhelm it. This sensation was so much more intense and unfathomably pleasurable and Jade was giving it to him again and again.

Strands of his blonde fringe stuck to Jade’s forehead where perspiration reflected how strenuously he was fucking Nils. He looked up at Nils‘ face and saw he was grimacing. Jade gasped out, “Are…you…okay…”

“Harder…fuck me harder…,” came from between clenched teeth. He’d begun to pump himself over his stomach and moaned. Jade was having a hard time concentrating as he felt his own climax building. Almost whining, he muttered, “Oh Nils, Nils…” He pursed his lips and breathed hard through his nose, knowing he only had a few strokes left in him before he came.

Nils was jerking the head of his cock and encouraging Jade between ragged breaths, “Oh, yeah, yeah…nowww….” His voice went high and wavered as he began to shake with his orgasm. Jade gave two more deep thrusts before letting his own overtake him in rapturous waves.

As he came down, he listened to the sounds coming from Nils and feared he was crying. He dropped down on top of him, feeling the slick of cum over his abdomen, and sought out his mouth. There weren’t any tears and Nils’ lips cracked into a grin under Jade’s. Jade pulled back a few inches . “What? What’s so funny?”

Nils lifted his chin and rubbed it against Jade’s stubbly one. Still grinning, he said, “I did. I saw stars.”  
Jade gave him a self-satisfied smile, then feigned disappointment. “But you didn't scream my name.”

Nils kissed him and murmured, “Next time. After breakfast.”

“Oh, shit, breakfast!” Jade shouted, jumping out of bed. “I forgot all about breakfast!”

“It’s okay, Jade! I’m not that hungry.” Nils said, sitting up, missing the point entirely.

“No! I’m supposed to meet everyone for breakfast! What time is it?” Jade was panicking.

“Everyone? Who? And it’s…10:37.”

“Maybe I can make it,” Jade muttered as he scrambled into the clothes he’d worn the night before.

Nils watched him scurrying around until he disappeared into the bathroom. “Oh, fuck! My hair!”

“Good luck with that,” Nils chuckled to himself, bemused by Jade’s choice of hairstyle. He heard him pissing, flushing, washing, cursing.

Nils lay back into the pillows, eyes closed, arms behind his head, smiling. Damn, he felt good.

“What are you doing?! Get up, honey!” Nils’ eyes flew open at the term of endearment. He stared at Jade, standing there frozen with his hairbrush in his hand.

“Please, Nils, hurry. It took us weeks to find the right time and place for this little get-together.”

“Jade, I have no idea what you’re talking about…and what does it have to do with me?”

Jade sat down on the bed and took Nils’ hand in his. “It’s just Adam and Hunter and Smith. For finishing Blaqk Audio. I want you to be there.”

“Are you sure, Jade? You know they might suspect something if I come along.”

“That’s fine. Really. Just please get ready now.” He leaned in and kissed him.

Nils gave him a small smile. “Okay… but I’d give anything for a cup of coffee.”

“I’ll have it ready for you when you’re done dressing and you can drink it in the car.”

“Great, but I’ll have to follow you. I need my car this afternoon.”

Nils was already up and headed for the guest room where he’d left his clothes.

He smelled the coffee brewing as he finished up in the bathroom. He pulled on his pants and felt something in the pocket. He remembered what he’d brought last night and fingered it thoughtfully.  
‘It’s even more perfect now.’

He stealthily returned to Jade’s bedroom and placed the object on his pillow, whispering, ‘This you can keep.’ He returned to the guestroom and put on his shirt and socks. Carrying his shoes, he met Jade in the living room.

“I’m ready. Thanks, this smells good,” Nils said as he reached for the travel mug Jade offered.

Jade wrapped his fingers around Nils’ as he took the mug and said, “Do you remember the first time I made you coffee?” There was sadness in his eyes, sure Nils wouldn’t, given how drunk he’d been at the time.

Nils did remember but he wished he couldn’t, it felt like one of the worst days of his life. There was nothing he could say. He shook his head and looked down at the floor.

Jade sighed and lifted his hand from Nils’. He placed it on his cheek, leaned in and gave him a light kiss. “It’s okay,” he whispered. He turned away and grabbed his wallet, keys, sidekick. Nils slipped on his shoes and, with a toss of his head, said, “Let’s go.”

***********************************************************************************

Hunter saw Jade’s two-toned, spiky hair approaching before anything else. “Here he is.”

Adam turned his head towards the restaurant’s plate-glass window and squinted against the light streaming in. “He has someone with him.”

Smith had his back to the entrance and was forced to turn completely around. “What the fuck…,” he exclaimed under his breath, his mouth falling open.

Hunter raised his eyebrows at Adam and Adam shrugged in reply.

Jade approached the table, grinning. “Think I was gonna stand up my posse?”  
He pulled out a chair for Nils and waited for him to be seated until he slid into the one next to him.

Hunter waved back and forth and smiled. “Hi, Nils. How you been?”

Adam gave him a lop-sided grin and said, “Yeah, man. Good to see you.”

Everyone, with the exception of Nils, looked at Smith. He was frowning at his brother. All he said was, “Are you growing a motherfuckin’ beard?”

Jade rubbed his chin and cheeks and laughed. “Uh, no. I forgot to shave. I’ve been…busy.” He glanced in Nils’ direction and smirked. Nils rested his chin on the heel of his hand and studied the menu, trying desperately to suppress a giggle. Smith almost gagged on his water.

Somehow they all got through the meal and to everyone’s surprise, had a great time. Even the moment of silence they held for Davey was bearable, maybe because his presence was so strongly felt it was as if he were there.

They all wandered out to the parking lot, pausing to chat some more while Adam, Hunter and Nils shared a cigarette. They all hugged and headed for their cars. Smith watched out of the corner of his eye as Jade walked Nils to his.

They spoke for a few minutes and then hugged, Jade stroking Nils’ back. He stood beside the driver’s window while Nils started the engine and pulled out of the parking space. He continued to stand there, looking for the car long after it had disappeared from view.

Smith walked up behind him and knocked him in the back of the head with the heel of his hand. He ducked as Jade spun around, prepared to use martial arts against his assailant.

“What the fuck was that for?!” Jade demanded, rubbing the sore spot.

“You need some sense knocked into you, man.” They continued to bicker as they pushed and shoved each other to their cars. They were both laughing as they got to Smith’s. He jumped up and rolled across the hood. “Fuck, that’s hot!” Jade laughed harder and called him an idiot.

Eventually, they had to say goodbye. They hugged an exceptionally long time, no words spoken.

*************************************************************************************

Jade sat down heavily on the end of his bed and kicked off his shoes. He felt disoriented, as if in a dream. Had the past twenty-four hours really happened? It was surreal. He threw himself back onto the pillows and smelled Nils’ scent there. It had been real.

He felt something small and hard under his head. He reached behind him and drew out a tiny box, lacquered black and delicately decorated with a red miniature Chinese dragon. He removed the lid and laid it on his chest. His fingers slowly pulled out the silver chain. Through a blur of tears he read the word “HATE,” engraved on a ruby-encrusted heart.

 

FINI

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4690>


End file.
